Good Morning Everyone
This week is off to a slow start. On the weekend I came down with the dreaded man cold! Sunday night it hit me. I muddled through yesterday but basically just bounced from couch to couch while providing minimal care to my children before and after school. At one point Benny (7) read me a story while I convinced Jack(8) to tuck me in and cuddle me. I guess it’s not quite a man cold because I did still feed, clothe and provide education and transportation for them. Speaking of men let’s pop back a day or two…..I have a story I’d like to share, as to why my husband is not in the picture.
1. If you’re feeling prudish this is time to tune out
2.yes this story was husband approved to be told.
So it’s a Saturday night, the sun has set, the children have gone to bed. Husband needs to stay up until midnight for a work whatchamat thingamujig. So I think to myself hmmmmm….. what could we do for a couple hours…..whaaaattt coouuulllddd weee dooo? Well it just so happens I bought a new bra, it’s a sweet little white lace thing, soft so it won’t hurt my skin, I have hypersensitive skin, I know, sexy right?! So I put it on and I locate matching bottoms, also very pretty. For a twist I put on husbands giant fluffy soft navy bathrobe. This part is embarassing, but truthful. I stand in front of the mirror and practice a couple times, just to see what I look like, which way to stand and make my tummy fat look less ‘tummy fat’. You’ve done it right?! Gosh I hope you’ve done it! I touch up a bit, I’m thinking I look pretty. I’ve lost 7.5 pounds! I must look pretty. I walk downstairs, he’s at the computer in the kitchen, I wet my lips, and walk in. I make a little small talk, and then, bravely
Me: “what would you like to do this evening?”Slowly drop robe open in what I hope is sexy fashion.
Him: “I don’t know whatch a movie” hmmmmm…..apparently not sexy, or even… noticeable, move closer.
Me: maybe if I spell it out “I bought a new bra, it’s lacey” can I be more obvious?
Him: looks! He’s looking!!! “it’s nice.”looks away (now suspecting he’s a tool and doesn’t understand)
Me: there’s something wrong with him. ” I bought a new bra and am wearing cute matching bottoms in our kitchen.”
Him. “I know baby, it’s super nice. Good pick!” (He has brain damage, it’s all the jet fumes, they finally got him)
Me: in my least sexy voice probably half shouting “I am almost naked in our kitchen flashing you and trying to hold in my fat in a sexy way” again try the ‘sexy pose’ which honestly probably just looks like small convulsion.
Him ” you don’t have to do that baby, you’re beautiful!!…….What kind of movie are you thinking.”
WHAT IN THE TACO LOVING WORLD WAS THAT?!!!!!!!
And then I caught a man cold. Oh Karma, how did I smite you so?
We have since had multiple conversations about what went wrong here. He says he was “tired” and I said I’m tired a lot too but I’ll sleep when I’m dead. There have been some payback incidents, of which a lady would never speak, and he must now practice the mantra ” I’m the gas, you’re the brakes!” Over and over and over…
How was your day? Anyone else want to share embarrassing incidents? I also walked around with toothpaste on my face for an hour this morning. I’m due some goodness right about now.