Today is a me day, an honest to goodness me day. I scheduled ‘the internet guy’ to come to the lake. Which my husband by the way says ‘sounds a bit sketchy.’ I’m totally into air quotes today! I’d call him the cable guy but I’m not getting cable! They gave a window of 8 to 4, we’re on lake time I guess. At first I was kind of bummed and then it slowly dawned on me, I will have to spend the whole day at the cottage!I don’t get like to get up that early sooooo I should probably spend the night too. So here I am 1130 in the morning, in my PJs drinking coffee, looking at the lake while Henry lays on his back with his feet in the air, I think it agrees with us. Strongly contemplating pulling the kids from the last week of school and moving here early.
I’ve had a glorious morning thinking about life and motherhood. Sometimes being a mom isn’t just about being a mom, we forget to be people too. I don’t know why I need an excuse to take a break, why it feels like I’m cheating if I check out of parenting early. If I want to pay someone just so I can have a break. My husband knows this and I’m lucky that he reminds me/pushes me to take time. (That took a lot of training folks, you don’t get that with baby number one lol) But honestly I think as parents, not just mothers but parents, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and amazing. I don’t know at what point I started letting that go, somewhere around the third child probably? Or maybe it was only after my surgery, but I became more relaxed.
I knew a few years ago that I wasn’t happy. I was angry and frustrated so much of the time. I love flying and I loved my job but if I’m honest about it I wasn’t happy where I was. There was a lot of frustration at work, not being able to achieve my goals. There are many reasons, some are what I call the ‘mommy tax’, some medical, but some out of my control, which technically I’m probably not allowed to talk about until I’m out of the military so let’s save that for the book version. I had a vision of who I was and I struggle, now more than ever, that I’m not who I wanted to be. I didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to do, achieve the goals I set, to be my version of amazing! I struggle with letting that be OK, appreciating what I have done. More than work though I looked at myself and saw I wasn’t the the parent I wanted to be. I was grumpy, I was short, my voice wasn’t soft. I’m so embarrassed to say but shouted, and who shouts at children? I wasn’t a bad mother at all, I baked, I sang, I loved, but I wasn’t the mother I dreamed I would be. I knew I couldn’t be that person anymore.
Life is handed me a bunch of bullshit and I’m not saying that any of that was worth it, because I’d give it back in a heartbeat. I didn’t ‘need’ to experience any of those things. I’m just trying to take the best out of everything I can. I realized life is short and if I didn’t like the way it was going I had to change it. I don’t think it happened overnight, but I am changing. I am a better mother for everything I have been through. I can honestly say that.
Today was a great day for me. I think husband knew I was getting close to snapping point. He probably knew because I didn’t hint or try to shyly say it, I think I said “I’m about to snap!” Last night Henry and I packed up and here we are.
And so I decided today is ‘our’ day as well. Let’s finally catch up on some of the pieces I think you’ve been patiently waiting for. I think I’m going to have to split it into a couple posts because A. it’s too long for one post and B. I think you’d get totally bored!
Let us begin with(drumroll please) The Story of Kate…. (this is where you anxiously await my next post, tell all your friends and I become famous) also while you wait watch this clip. It’s not me I swear, but you’ll think it is. I adore her.