So the website is still in complete Chaos. I’m really not sure what to do but laugh a little. No sense being upset, but if you’re a programmer or can connect with an awesome programmer please let me know. I’d love to put things back in order!
I thought maybe today I’d explain a little about me. Me me me! People look at me and think, but you don’t look sick. I know, right! Even yesterday, I did this:
At the beginning of an MRI I have to tell them that I’m twitchy. That I’ll do my best, if they could tell me when scans happen I’ll try really hard. The MRI machine is loud, it vibrates. Its fine, only my neck does not like the vibrations, so I twitch a little more. In the beginning, I always get, ‘Well, just try not to.’ Ummm, yeah, I got that memo. I’ll do my best! Then the scan starts and they’re a little curt. ‘Don’t move Kathleen.’ Uhhh super hard trying not to, I’ll try to do better? Then I don’t know what it is but at some point, there’s a transition. Their tones change, they soften. Is it my expression? I definitely don’t game face the tube, I can’t. It’s like being mauled by a bear or ninjas. (See exhibit C, pain scale below) Or is it that they see my injury? The last time the woman came out and said, ‘I’m so sorry, you must have been in a terrible accident.’ That pushed me over the edge, I cried and cried, like hot mess, ugly cry. Ohh such a sap. Yesterday when we were finished, two very kind people came and very delicately helped me off the bed.
You know what, that’s okay. I’m not offended, I don’t want to look sick. This is where it gets a little complicated. It’s like church and state. One is not the other. One can influence the other, no matter how hard we try to keep them apart, but ideally, you can do a pretty good job of keeping them separate. I can be in pain and I can still have a good day. This only works if you accept the day for what it is. Have I lost you yet? This is a strange concept. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy with a dedicated pain psychologist. Learning how to accept this new life, and I struggled, hard. I went from sexy pilot shaking my hair to here. Current view, jammies all day, it’s one of those days. Every once in a while I let you guys in to see this side of me, but I don’t need to show you all the time. I can’t just stop living. If I walked around all the time making that stupid face from the pain scale…
This tool is stupid. I hate it. Which, by the way, are both curse words in my family! Yeah, that’s right. I am mom jeans, don’t say stupid type of lady. Okay pain scale – I know the reasoning behind it, it helps judge the effectiveness of treatments, yada yada. But I don’t make those faces (except in the MRI). I think I make a solid bright green to yellow face pretty much ALL THE TIME. Pain at a 6, same face, pain at an 8, same face. I will make that face right up until a 10, at which point I will pass out on the floor while making nachos and you’ll have to call an ambulance. Which is a thing that happened? I found a much-improved scale, this is more my style.
So this week I’m in ‘I can’t move’ phase, and SAME FACE! There are just some of us perky little souls that will not give up that teeth-gritted-together big smile. Don’t think I’m judging others who deal differently. We all have our little tells. Do you want to know my little secrets? My ‘tells”? Of course you do!! This is going to be so strange, now you’re all going to be staring at me for little cues, lol. Let’s do it anyway. But you have to promise, no feeling sad for me, this is just us chatting, right?!
- I clench my teeth in a smile so hard it hurts my face.
- I purse my lips, when I think no one is watching.
- I cross my ankles and squeeze my legs together so tightly they lift off the floor. I frequently just hold them off the floor, then I realize I look like a small child and try to stop. Repeat.
- I become super restless, just fidgety.
- My hands. This is my biggest. Sometimes I hold my fingers straight out super tensely. OR I like to clench OR I grip them together so tightly. It usually involves pressing my nails into my hands. I have little dents that I think have become permanent because I’ve been doing it so long.
- I sloooowwwwwww down. I just cannot move any faster, you’ll definitely notice if we’re walking together.
Now you can all watch me and be like whats she going to do?????
In all seriousness, that’s how I cope. That’s how I make a smiling face. I have spent a lot of time working on this, and working on mentally accepting this. I have days where I just can’t hold the face anymore, that’s okay. I just do my best to try to pick myself up again. There you go. Church and state. Now let us stop judging the books by their covers.
with love K